#I don’t know how im not in more pain
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I’m getting my uterus and ovaries ripped out as soon as possible. At this point at don’t care that it can cause a higher risk of heart disease or whatever I am in so much pain all the time I would take that over this. It took my body less than 2 years after endometriosis extraction surgery for it to go from Lots of endo but it’s all surface and it’s stage 1, to Everything is stuck together in there with scar tissue and endo and it’s deep enough that it’s visible on an mri.
#endometriosis#I’m so lucky that my doctor has said she is absolutely willing to do a hysterectomy on me when I’m ready#I am an early/mid 20’s person with no kids and no long term partner#IN FLORIDA#and my doctor in our first appointment after seeing my gyno history said she was completely open to it#I looked at my mri images today#and it is fucked up in there#I am still on shock over what it looks like in there#I don’t know how im not in more pain#I say that as someone who is regularly in severe pain due to my endo
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so i’ve been. THINKING lately.
you can find many similarities in both stories but there are also huge differences…
in cain and abel’s story cain murders his younger brother because of his jealousy and because god preferred abel over him, which is obviously similar to how chuck’s pride made him envious of jimmy because he’s more likeable and made their mom laugh etcetera etcetera..but i’d say abel was a pure guy, he didn’t do anything bad, he was like. basically the purest human being at that time (well it’s not really difficult to be the best person when there’s like 4 people in the whole world and two of them literally got kicked out of heaven but anyway). and cain murdered him. which is clearly not the case with jimmy and chuck because obviously in the legal point of view chuck is a better person than jimmy …
and we’ve got esau and jacob, which is i think a really underrated story. i mean i love cain and abel but i think people often forget about those two. esau, (technically) an older brother, always gets tricked by jacob. jacob buys his birthright and steals his father’s blessing that was meant for esau. and esau rages at him because. i mean. that’s not a nice thing to do. but in the end jacob becomes one of the Main Characters in the genesis… personally i think this story is more… idk, specific? there’s just something about the younger brother constantly tricking the older to get what he wants, even though the reasons not always are completely selfish. BUT! in the end esau and jacob made peace which is (spoiler alert😨) not the case with chuck and jimmy ………..and also jacob didn’t really have a redemption arc and esau just. idk. moved on with his life. got a family and all that. so he basically became a normie. but yeah ANYWAYS!
so yeah. i’d really love to hear ur thoughts and opinions on this one because i am a little bit insane about all this stuff as you probably noticed
(also if i messed something up or if im wrong anywhere please lmk lol it’s been a while since ive read the old testament…….)
#the best thing to do at 4 am .#better call saul#jimmy mcgill#saul goodman#chuck mcgill#personally i think that. idk#cain and abel’s story is CLASSIC#everyone knows what happened to them and why it happened to them. it’s very straightforward#but honestly i think cain is too evil for chuck#i mean yeah chuck surely is fucked up but he’s not THAT bad#and i think he definitely always had some fucked up sense of love for jimmy and man they just know each other too well#while cain and abel don’t really seem to care about each other and cain is just like. yeah this guy pisses me off im going to kill him 👋bye#and esau&jacob seem to know each other reallt well and they know what they’re capable of#ALSO jacob was his moms favorite!! just like jimmy!!!!#and yeah jacob is obviously much more sly and clever than abel#but. honestly. when i think about it like this#i just. you know.#i think jimmy wouldn’t be like this fucked up if their relationship with chuck was better#i mean. i don’t THINK i KNOW#this is a fact#chuck is one of the most important figures in jimmys life#he and kim is his whole world#which is EXACTLY the thing with cain and abel. there are LITERALLY no other people in the world except for them#they are the only people that exist for each other and THEY HATE EACH OTHER#and it’s PAINFUL#(yeah im ignoring adam and eve’s existence)#while esau and jacob are like. you know. this is an important part of the plot#but no one seems to really care about it#idk how to explain there’s just so much going on there that this thing doesn’t feel that BIG and INTERESTING and IMPORTANT#man idk this is hard
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how do i know if my chosen name is the right name :(
#this feels like such a dumbass question but genuinely i just. i really don’t know#i’ve never really felt comfy with my given name and it never really fully felt like me#but now that i’ve chosen a preferred name i like sm better i’m still nervous#how is it supposed to feel when someone uses your name??#i can’t tell if it feels a little weird just bc it’s a New Ne for the first time in 23 yrs#*new name#or if it feels weird bc it’s not right#but also#i’m planning on coming out to a lot of family during my thanksgiving break#and i feel like if im gonna do that i have to have my preferred name set in stone#:(( ugh idk#i’m prob just putting too much pressure on myself#i know that technically i can always change it and it’s normal and not bad to change your mind about stuff like this#but like. it’s gonna make it So Much more of a pain in the ass if i have to get everyone used to one name just to change it again#and i feel like other people would just find it dumb and frustrating tbh 😭#but like Bro that’s my name!!! ideally this is what i’ll live with for the rest of my life!!!! that’s so much pressure AGH#anyway ugh sorry this is such a dumb vent but i’m sooooo. how do u say. confused and scared#silas speaks#ftm trans#transmasc#transblr#transgender#trans community#preferred name#chosen name#milo mumbles
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God i’m thinking about how easily and unknowingly strangers can grant you salvation like i found it in how my old classmate told me once that i was a kind person and it was the first time i’d ever believed it
in how a coworker once said that i always seem so happy and have a nice smile and i cried about it when i got home since i’d always been told i seem too serious or mean
in how someone once told me i was good at comforting them when i’d always thought i was bad at it
Just god they’re out there somewhere and i barely remember what they looked like and we’ll never cross paths again but they changed me so deeply, they’re out there but they’ll never know how often i revisit those memories and think of myself even just a little more kindly they’re out there and i don’t know them but they’re the most important people in the world to me somehow
#me?? having a Night™️?? more likely than you’d think#im missing the people i never really knew#and im stuck echoing their words to myself#it’s honestly so important to hear things from people who don’t have an agenda to hurt you#who didn’t form a perspective of you at 14 and never let it go#i dont know#it’s just insane how badly ive always felt about myself#how inherently true i thought it was that i was mean or cold or unlikeable#only to have so many people tell me differently the past few years#and i still feel so mean and cold and unlikeable so often because of the people close to me!!#and i probably will forever to some extent!!#and it’s such an awful feeling#but just knowing even one person saw me as kind or happy is such a balm to that pain#that even if every person i meet from here on out found me flawed#there was at least one that saw kindness and joy in me?? that’s healing#idk#idk im emotional and tired and just want to believe i can be a good person sometimes#and sometimes i feel like that one ‘you’re so nice’ i received three years ago is the only thing holding me together sometimes#god just ignore me
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I wish I could tell every young person with a uterus (especially with bad cramps and/or dysphoria and/or depression, etc) that there is a decent chance they just straight up don’t need to live with that. don’t let the stigma surrounding contraceptives and the expectation that you should just ride it out and suffer win. for the love of god if there’s a chance you can lighten or even stop your period and it’s symptoms all-together, unless there’s a legit health concern, your doctor should at least make you aware of that option. I want every young person to know that “birth control” is not just for birth control and it has the potential to make your life infinitely easier to live. do not give in to anti-pill propaganda im serious
#kibumblabs#I remember being in late high school and my doctor suggesting it because of how terrible my dysphoria/related depressive episodes related to#menstrual cycle shit is. and like. im not saying it was a flawless transition but good god im serious it changed my fucking life#not to the extent testosterone would but it was still like. a Big Deal#because I was like. what the fuck. I’ve been suffering through this shit for years. and no one told me this was a thing? we’re all just#expected to suffer? because it’s ‘Normal’????#this whole time I could just. turn the bleeding off. or at least Down. turn off the debilitating breast soreness and swelling. etc.#anyway im not sure why im thinking about this but#i guess every time i hear someone (without any known health issues that’d interfere) like ah time for my monthly Week Of Pain And Misery#i want to shake them by the shoulders like. YOU DONT NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS. PLEASE I JUST WANT YOU TO BE AWARE OF THIS.#and yes i know it doesn’t work for everyone or sometimes there’s side effects that make it not worth it or what have you#but for a huge huge huge amount of people. they just don’t know it’s an option. because it’s labelled Birth Control. and because there’s#this long-standing quiet fear mongering about it that makes it seem more dangerous and sinister and promiscuous than it is#similar in a lot of ways to other stigmatized hormone treatments. like. well. you know#doesn’t help that when you first get your prescription it comes with the worlds biggest list of Potential Issues (most of which are either#minor temporary or unlikely)#grahhghhhhhhhhh anyway. on a seperate but related note shout out to my fellow tboys who either didn’t have their periods totally stop on t#or (like in my case) they came back after like Years for whatever reason and that had to be dealt with via supplementary contraceptives#cw menstruation
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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ok mutuals. so i have to do tongue therapy and get tongue tie surgery.
#purrs#i mean technically i don’t HAVE to but… it is causing a lot of problems and it’s going to help me in the lo ng run it’s just expensive as#fuck and i don’t know how that’s going to square with me moving out in the next few months hopefully and getting a car etc etc. despair. god#delete later#the surgery is going to be in january. and ishould get my wisdom teeth out too while im at it LMAO but that’s even more expensive. fml#<- not to mention…. painful. like i don’t know how im going to survive this 🤸🏻♀️
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Every time someone edits Keith in the black paladin armor an angel loses its wings.
#keith kogane#listen I understand that he needs to be the black paladin but he should be there temporarily#it’s worse when people do it with lance#I’m sorry but Keith cannot be the black paladin in my mind heart and soul#that spot is RESERVED for SHIRO DAMMIT#HE FAUGHT SO HARD TO BE WITH THE BLACK LION AND YOUR TELLING ME HE DOESNT EVEN GET TO SIT IN HER SEAT ANYMORE????#IM SORRY?? ARE THE LIONS NOT COUNCIOUS??? DID BLACK JUST NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SHIRO AFTERWARDS???#it’s some fucking horse shit#and Lance should’ve stayed in blue and allura should’ve gotten red#allura dead ass does not fit within the blue lion#I love her but that woman is a red paladin#I mean even the fucking show jokes about it#lance being in blue fit his character far more and I believe would’ve led to far more growth#I hate how much people argue about who the better black paladin would be whether it be for Lance or Keith#its shiro#through and through#he ran so Keith could walk bitch#also yes Keith being with the blades is cool and it makes people realize just how much of a pain it is to not have a lion to protect you#to show the true stuggle of those who are still actively fighting against space nazis#that don’t rely on a giant robot#but here’s my thing#I don’t like that Keith separated#because I feel like his character goes backwards#I would’ve preferred Keith actually being there for his teammates and family then almost sacrificing himself over and over again#I also don’t think ryou should ever be in the black lion#like piloting#cause he’s not shiro and I think the black lion would know that#I just wish there was more shiro appreciation within the fandom#like how do people not understand that shiro is an amazing leader???#why does he have to get replaced???
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i love my new therapist so much cause she’s the first person i’ve ever met who takes me seriously when i talk about suicide even though i don’t have a concrete plan and haven’t actually made any attempts yet
#with everyone else it’s like. hey i feel violently suicidal i started s*lf h*rming again and i feel so miserable im in physical pain#‘oh cool. well have you attempted suicide in the past?’#no. ‘well do you even have a plan for what you’d do?’#also no.#’okay well i don’t really care. have some more prescription medication that you continually threaten to od on’#’btw have you tried just not being depressed? maybe give that a shot. okay that will be one billion dollars see you next month’#but emily (that’s my new therapists name) actually listens to me#and acknowledges how scary and concerning being in my mindset is#and she walks me through what my options are for when it gets really bad#and i like that when i go quiet cause i don’t know what to say she doesn’t get frustrated with me for wasting time and she doesn’t#put words in my mouth and decide what i’m feeling for me#she asks what im thinking and gives me the space to process what i am thinking and if i can’t talk about it she tries to walk me through#the thought process and doesn’t push me. if i don’t wanna talk i don’t have to#basically. i like her a lot so far. and i still feel bad a lot#but having someone finally actually listen and take me seriously makes me feel a little better#she doesn’t just repeat ‘oh it’ll get better you’ll be fine’#she’s willing to stay in the present with me and figure out how i’m going to get through the next week instead of making me figure out my#whole life right now#sigh#snow.txt
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#sometimes it’s painful being this much of a lover#we haven’t even established feelings for each other and yet he’s the only one i have eyes for#i just wish we could both talk about how we feel#i am more sure than ever that the feeling is mutual#i just feel like we both are over thinkers and think one isn’t into the other i think#there’s a lot of stuff for us to over think about i fear lmao#i just don’t know when the right time to have a conversation like that is??#it’s been so long since i’ve had to talk to a friend and be like hey i think i am falling in love with you#and idk if he’ll ever do it first#i get so nervous thinking about it#or even just thinking about him at all makes my heart race so much#i don’t want to fuck things up so im just going to wait and be patient and act normal#having to pretend i dont want to talk to him 24/7 is kind of fucking painful though#bc i really do just want to talk all the time i love talking to him#ugh#personal
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In my constant brain rotations of “why are people in the west so hard on mecha aside from the fandom can be a bit unfriendly” I think one thing I realized as much as I hate to say is how mecha is sometimes treated remind me of the constant hatred superhero stuff gets.
It’s such a weird comparison because with mecha I do not know what the root of it was-and I’d love to know why but I feel there’s either no clear answer or there is one and it’s stupid-where as for superheroes in the west while there’s still a dedicated community the mainstream audiences have become tired of them due to over-saturation, which I understand, but it’s caused such a massive dismal to the entire genre of it much like mecha.
People think superhero stories can’t have any substance because it’s all about fighting and not about the characters- yet forget the SIGNIFICANT impact they had to so much pop culture. How superhero stories were rooted within comic popularity, how superheroes inspired countless of stories, even so far as reaching japan since so much early anime was taken off of western media which birthed its own genre of superheroes. It’s no different to how mecha help started up the anime industry making it one of the most important genres to japans history, yet most people don’t know it and belittle it.
Yet in superhero story cases it’s even WORSE when people are against it yet then go to see one superhero movie because it’s animated and put it on a pedestal and don’t bother to try other superhero content even though they consumed is no different from the norm. It’s the exact same shit when people watch eva and then think all other mechas don’t compare to it, when the genre always had darker, mature and emotional elements, just only a select few decide to canter to a audience who doesn’t even accept what genre it’s from which makes it all the more frustrating to deal with.
I’m someone who’s hardly into superhero stuff even if some of it catches my eye but it sucks to see that the situation is pretty identical to how mecha is seen, that I can’t help to feel sympathetic whenever I see some comic book fans upset at the mainstream audience even if they too can be a little hostile.
#meg text#to clarify I do agree 100% live action superhero movies especially the MCU got really stale#but that doesn’t mean those movies being stale should single out all superhero content when the stuff before is still GOOD#I was in a server that wasn’t mecha but someone was like “I hate superheroes” yet the discussion was just about a old Justice league cartoo#again- what’s so wrong about the animated ones? when they were from a time pre-saturation and people praise shit like spider verse?#I seriously cant tell if this is also a factor of the ever growing issue of people don’t wanna check out old things despite their importanc#*me awaiting the day someone unironically saids the boys/invincible/spider verse is a deconstruction so I can sigh in pain with actual fans#I hope to god that doesn’t happen but it feels like it’s close to why people already say superhero movies don’t have characters#and maybe that’s true bc I haven’t watched a marvel movie in ages but also I think you more so mean “characters being expanded upon”#because… every story has characters… just some can lack dimension and depth… but their still characters…#oh and it’s funny how it’s always these two that get singled out for focusing on action but shonen gets a pass 😑#action doesn’t equate to less characters!! How do people not realize this?#it’s fine if not your preference but fights can LITERALLY be CHARACTER DRIVEN#a lot of them are in fact because there’s always a purpose to these fights! Even if the meaning is sometimes barebone#also I know there’s gonna be a mecha fan who hates superhero who finds this post#and hate to break it to you but I’m pretty sure the super in super robot came from superhero and just not super powered#especially when a lot of the stuff Nagai made/worked on was him clearly tackling a superhero story from another angle#of course mecha isn’t entirely a superhero genre since we have “reals” but the 70s robots? Oh yeah meant to be superhero’s#and what I said above I think the comparison is warranted because the downplaying is unreal sometimes#will say between the two superhero’s probably have it worse because mecha honestly is more so ��im curious but idk more then 5 shows”#because my god I can’t have some conversations irl where this shit doenst get unnecessary heated#had a whole English teacher who wouldn’t stop complaining about superhero movies last semester in college 💀 it’s that bad#that said mecha still suffers from people liking one show and shooting down the other it’s just not as prevalent bc mecha content is low#it’s not dead like others say but it’s mainly been gundam and people now just think gundam is every robot (which is PAINFUL but whatever)#moral of the story is don’t judge a book by it’s cover especially when that book is actually really important to fucking pop culture
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One day I might actually write an essay thing about how the reboot completely destroyed Pinky and Brain’s characters I am soooo very passionate about that subject
#Hi Johnathan 😎 I wanna play a game#compare and contrast….#also they assassinated the warners so badly too and I also might discuss them someday but Pinky and Brain are just. so much more closer#to my heart and their reboot personalities make me sooo angry#TLDR Reboot Pinky and Brain are just tropes with arms and legs and it pisses me off soooo much I swear to god#also not really a fan of how the reboot sort of frames Brain as a villain when he’s… not? he’s a good mouse who wants the best for the world#meanwhile he is megalomaniacal. doesn’t mean he’s villainous. He does get carried away with his plans at times but in the end I think he#was just heavily misguided or desperate#I mean if I was chasing after this crazy almost unachievable goal I’d get a little crazy with plans at times too#my self doubt makes me want to do a pop shove it and say HOWEVER I may be remembering things wronggg take this with a grain of saltttt#who knows#if I’m wrong I’m wrong! but I think this chunk of meta has merit to it in a sense#did I just write patb meta#oh my god#WAIT TAG EDIT IM COMING BACK#Can we talk about how OUT OF CHARACTER Brain tampering with Julia and making her.. Julia (lol) is??#I’m so sure that Brain wouldn’t ever do that?? I remember he wanted to save Billie from being shocked by the scientists. he was so#frantic about it and genuinely cared about her well-being. And the way he mentions his past in both the reboot and the original kind#of tells us that he’s obviously disturbed by what has been done to him#I don’t think he would want to inflict that same pain onto someone else#and yes he does use Pinky to test his mechanisms but I think completely genetically altering a field mouse for a singular plan and#then throwing that mouse away is just. not who he is??#but anyway that whole episode is a trainwreck and they could have introduced Julia in a much better way#long story short Pinky is RIGHT THERE Brain lmao
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Only just woke up, somehow made it down the stairs, and got hit with the ‘everyone has aches and pains suck it up’ talk. Sorry but if everyone had aches and pains the way I did, they’d have my exact diagnosis. Getting really sick of the way my family forgets I’m disabled. And when I point this out to them I’m told ‘there’s no reason to get aggressive’ okay.
#it’s laughable that they were like do you need to rent a wheelchair at the horrible museum/park we went to#I didn’t get one of course. and later regretted it. but like—#you can’t be like yes. isadora uses a cane and sometimes a wheelchair#and then turn around and say well everyone has aches and pains#okay? like yes. we’re all sore from the hikes and the car rides. but you guys can actually walk like are you seeing the difference here#recovery time is Needed. I am going to be in pain at least three times as long and also. can’t walk easily! so like#no I don’t think you all have aches and pains like I do#then they were like well how do you know what kind of pain im in and like. again#i was like if yall were in the same amount of pain or more. you’d have my diagnosis. so come on what are we gonna do here im sick of this#they’re talking about going to busch gardens and they’re like of course isadora will need a wheelchair and someone will have to push her#(accompanied with an eye roll and a muttered why can’t she just walk like the rest of us it’s not that bad. but I’ll take it)#and it’s like. you guys can remember im disabled when it benefits you!! being in the wheelchair means fast passes usually 🙃#anyway. hidden disabilities are so fun!!! like y’all I am disabled enough the state government recognized it#and paid for my medical leave. that is not nothing!!!!!!!!#anyway. I probably won’t be downstairs for long. think im going back to bed after this one tbh. my mother is impossible
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Just had some of the best cracks in my body
#now im ready to go to sleep#tbh my chiropractor and kine really were like: okay you have chronic pain and problems but we gonna give you the best tips to#to relax your muscles and body when Its possible#and for real i sleep so much better since doing them#like my body can finally relax a bit#like ofc Not so much but more and more#and i helps with breathing stress and other thigns#so yeah tbh going to them changed my life#like now im at least once in a week Not so much in pain#and do i know how i relax my body#for reall i don’t get why Not every person in stress does this?#bcs your body suffers but like at least we can (try to) heal it hen thuis#chronic pain#actually autistic#asd#autistic#actually autism#autistic things#hyperflexible
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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